Sunday, 27 July 2014

Not Falling in Love

(Apologies in advance that this is going to be a bit long and a bit of a ramble because I'm just free writing and it's a bit of a mess to try and edit it)

One of my biggest fears in life is that I will never fall in love romantically. 
I'm nineteen and I've never even been close.

It feels like almost everyone I know that's my age or older (and younger in some cases D:) has been or is in love. It's not that I fear myself incapable of feeling strongly or caring genuine about someone, I just have only ever felt it in a platonic way; I love my family and closest friends deeply and care a lot about them but the closest I've been to being in love is the fantasy of it.

 In all of the relationships I have been (attempted to be) in, I have been the one who's lost interest. It seems as soon as I have (and take) the opportunity to be with someone I'm attracted to (both physically and because of their personality) I find they are not all the kind of person I am attracted to and I just...stop being attracted to them...with some I've just stopped liking them full stop.

Part of me thinks this is just because I've got into a couple of "relationships" I shouldn't really have gotten in to. Primarily this was because I knew I didn't really want a relationship at that stage - I still don't, I don't think - but I'd convinced myself that for this person I did, for this person I would make the effort. I would want to make the effort.

But, alas, no.

And the fact I'm not even all that sorry about it not working out, that I realised so early on that these weren't relationships I wanted to make the effort for, is the reason I worry. These are people I really liked before, people I really saw myself being with. People I could talk to for ages; it could be just the two of us and it not be awkward; people I would look forward to seeing. Then as soon as we'd been on a date or the joy of knowing they liked me back had worn off, I just felt....nothing. Just annoyance and slight resentment. This all just makes me think that the reason I worry I'm never going to fall in love is because I get bored of (potential) boyfriends so quickly. Someone said this to me once and I denied it profusely because I thought he'd got it all wrong - I hadn't got bored of them, I'd just realised we didn't have as much in common or as much attraction as I thought - but what if he was right? What if I'm going to be one of those people who never falls in love or has a long term relationship because they only want the chase and not the result?

It's not like any of this is a conscious effort. I do enjoy the build up, the flirting, the possibility, the wondering far more than I have enjoyed any (well maybe all but one) date I've been on but is that just because I was going on dates with the wrong guys? Or is it destined to stay like that? Does whatever weird mix of chemicals and consciousness that decides my emotions not have the capability of desiring anything more than the chase?

Maybe not, because despite all this I do crave some aspects of an established relationship: closeness, trust, being able to talk about anything from the most trivial to the most personal (and, of course, physical attraction). Maybe it's not the being in love bit I don't want but the preliminary bits that go into it - the getting to know each other part where each time you have to decide how much more to reveal about yourself. The effort, essentially. Without this, though, the love bit is obviously never going to happen.

So maybe this is all just immaturity? I know I have to put the effort in, I just don't want to. So in a few years, when I've gone to uni and matured (ha ha ha ha) and had a far larger pool of people to choose from than I've ever had (or am likely to have), I will find that guy who I like so much I will want to make the effort (?)

But as I said, I know all that already, that I have to put effort in and have never wanted to....So is that really immaturity? Or is it the wrong guys or is it the wrong me? Is it linked to the fact I don't have a particularly obsessive personality? I've never obsessively collected anything or got really obsessed with celebrities, etc because I just don't have that trait.  Is romantic love (or at least certain types of romantic love) just a form of obsession? If so, then I don't think that kind of love will ever be available to me (or anyone else lacking an obsessive trait). (Maybe that's not such a bad thing, though.)

So (not to repeat myself) maybe it really is just that I get bored of everything eventually; I always want to move onto something else, thus I've never been obsessed with anything. I want to move on to a new club, a new subject, a new story, a new hobby, a new idea so will this desire to move on will also apply to my dating life too? I hope not. I really don't want to be the kind of person who has to move on from every relationship because 'I've got all I can out of it'. I want to be the kind of person who finishes things, follows through but I'm having to fight myself for all of it. I only followed through with my A levels by not really trying after around February of second year and now I regret the fact I could have done better (not that I'm complaining about what I actually got!). I hate that part of myself, I really do but my motivation just goes from everything before I'm done with it (with the exception of reading a good book!), even if I was enjoying it to start off with. Falling in love is following through with someone and your feelings for them. It's following through with the emotion so that it doesn't evaporate when commitment is on the table. So will it always be a forced experience to follow through, even if it's for love?

I know I'm only young and I have (hopefully) many years of my life to work all this out and fall in love. I know that, having never been in love, I don't actually understand it or how it feels or works. I also know that falling in love is not the be all and all of life. I'm just scared of the possibility that I have an inability to ever experience it (being in love). I'm scared that I'll be lonely and be left out of the experiences of my peers because of it.  - it's hard not to when every piece of pop culture seems to revolve around people in love.

I really don't do well on my own.

I guess I'll have to learn to.

I'm not actively looking for a relationship right now and don't intend to start in the near-future, I just hope the situation changes eventually...

No comments:

Post a Comment